Thirteen people have been thoroughly depressed by a newly divorced man in the Towney area. The suspect has been identified as Lucas Chadwick and he is armed with a photograph of his attractive former spouse and a half-eaten cheesecake which he claims was the last meal they had shared together, policeman Roger Cavendish told reporters.
Mr. Chadwick had previously never been accused of such morose lecturing but many affected claim that he expressed himself with the skill of a very emotional toastmaster.
“I just….I don’t know why we’re here anymore,” said one victim who was now desperately in need of a tissue. “He snuck up behind me like a very sad burgler and started talking and being…emotional. I’m not equipped to handle this situation so I listened and fidgeted about but now…THEY HAD A GOLDFISH TOGETHER, WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE HIM, LINDA?”
When reached for comment, Towney officials assured the public that both emotional and physical authorities have been dispatched to the area and will deal with the heartbreaking assailant.
As for now, the victims are recuperating at the nearest animal shelter. But questions arise of whether or not dozens of adorable canines can ever truly return them to their regular state of having their emotions bottled up like a normal person.
The Ipe Collection 