Allow me to set the stage.
You find yourself in the presence of a bawling child. Its tears are cascading down its tomato-red face as it comes to terms with the concept of death. This child just so happens to belong to you, so the thought of sliding out of frame to an undisclosed location, never to be seen again, is not only frowned upon, but also in many cultures deemed worthy of some form of punishment. Said punishment is open to all sorts of interpretation, but most call for something along the lines of public shaming.
If this has left you unfazed, by all means, abandon this wailing little-person. If instead, you have begun hyperventilating at the thought of being named and shamed on your executioner’s choice of social media, but additionally find the usual means of handling this particular situation to be far too uncomfortable, then I present to you; the ultimate guide to tricking your crying child into believing you have mystical powers.
Fish are unresponsive creatures. You generally keep them alive just to have another life around. So, naturally you gifted your child a pet fish in an attempt to prepare them for a future involving a loveless marriage. But now, the fish your child christened Clive is dead. Very dead. Its lifeless body is frigid and rigid. Though considering no one’d ever made physical contact with it before its untimely demise, we can’t outright say that this is a drastic change. Your child is inconsolable, in that, you’re not a comforting person so your efforts have been mild at best. What you lack in empathy you do however, make up for with whimsy. In this moment you can masterfully create an alter-ego that will live on in infamy.
Tonight you will resurrect Clive. This will cement your position as “Master/Mistress of life in general”.
Before moving any further, I fully acknowledge the harmful effects this may have on a developing toddler. These may include but are not limited to, being unable to decipher what’s real and what’s not, worshipping their parent in an unhealthy manner, not fully understanding death, eventually becoming the crazed doomsayer who takes to the street with unpleasant placards, etc. But for a second, forget all of that, and consider this. It might be fun.
There are pre-requisites to carry out this procedure. Fair warning, certain steps may be quite….dark.
Pre-Requisites
- Access to ominous music.
Preferably something with a choir of children singing in a foreign language. Nothing is more frightening than a foreign language. - Black or red robes.
These colors evoke thoughts of otherworldly entities. However, your child is not likely to think of any of that, so even a simple bath robe would do. Low standards. - Smoke machine.
Any means of visual distortion would suffice. You just need the smoke or whatever you choose to hide in so as to bring in the replacement fish without being detected. - Ventilation.
If you choose the smoke machine, you’ll probably need to perform this in an area where you do not pass out from smoke inhalation. - A dunce of a child.
Since you are voyaging through a sea of ridiculousness, an incisive child is the enemy. If you have birthed an intellectual you’re likely to fail. Luckily most children are gullible fools. Even yours. - A live fish.
Unless you genuinely have mystical powers, this is a vital ingredient. This is Clive that has been raised from the dead. - A dead fish.
I realize this may prompt an important question. Am I not doing this just because the fish is already dead? Why would I want this guide otherwise? In an attempt to reach a larger audience I have decided to cater to two sets of people. The first set are people who don’t know how to deal with their child’s dead pet. The second set comprises of people who want to be hero-worshipped. If you happen to be a member of the latter there will likely be an extra step in the process. A bleak step.
The Process.
- First, we discover the newly deceased fish.
Scenario 1: Your child finds his/her best friend floating upside down in his bowl. He/she runs to you in tears. You say something reassuring like, “there, there”, or “oh no”. Whatever it is, it’s probably insufficient as of now because that’s the kind of person you are.
Scenario 2: It is you who finds the fish. In this scenario you could just pretend you didn’t see Clive’s corpse and wait for your child to do it. Or, you break the news. Say something definitive but kind like, “Your fish is going to sleep forever and that’s nice, but he’ll also start rotting so we can’t keep him around so you won’t be seeing him”. Honestly it doesn’t matter because this is the step we’re trying to subvert.
If you are not trying to avoid awkwardness and instead want to confirm your hero-status, this is the dark step I mentioned earlier. Kill your fish.
Can you take a life?
Sure you can, it’s a fish. Just empty a fish food container into its bowl and the little gluttonous bastard will eat himself to death. You can live with that. Now that that’s settled we can move on.
- Second, you float the idea of magic.
If your audience was of sound and developed mind I would advise subtlety. As stated in the prerequisites, your child is a dunce. “I can magically bring fish back from the dead magically using magic and nothing else, its magic”, is a perfectly appropriate line to use. Really hammer in the magic of it all.
- Third, buy the new fish.
Get yourself down to a pet store. Find a fish identical or nearly identical to your child’s old friend. This may take several painstaking seconds, but I assure you the respect you will garner from your child will make it somewhat worth it.
- Fourth, find the right room.
Bathroom.
- Fifth, set up the scene.
Wear your choice of robes, start the foreign choir music and the smoke machine, open a window, stash the new fish on the side of the toilet which is visually inaccessible to your child, and start reciting the longest words you can think of repeatedly. Doesn’t matter what the words are as long as it remains misunderstood to a toddler. Some suggestions – Remuneration, Billowing, Abhor, Tangent, Plaintiff, Harbingers. Anything out of a SAT prep vocabulary section. Chant these words in a sing-song fashion.
- Sixth, flush the dead fish.
As you know and have known for eons a fish’s journey to heaven is through the toilet bowl. With the smoke billowing; yes, I used one of the SAT words, drop Clive down into the bowl and do it with panache. And now, flush.
- Seventh, the most important stage.
As the original Clive is lost forever, waft some of the smoke from the machine over the toilet. In the shadows bring out the replacement Clive. After the toilet water has settled, let the smoke clear and hold the bag containing the new fish directly above the toilet. For good measure pre-wet the outside of the bag to make it appear as if you’ve fished (pardon the pun) it out of the toilet.
- Finally, say something meaningless that sounds important.
Similar to how a magician shouts Alakazam or Abracadabra, say something distinctly you. Again, refer to the SAT vocab section if you need assistance, but rather than a sing-song chant, say it in the deepest tone you can reach, then snap your fingers. Your child will now observe new Clive, possibly to confirm whether or not it is truly the Clive he/she knows and loves. As stated in a previous step you’ve found an identical or near-identical replacement. Your child is gob smacked and pleased that he/she has been reunited with his/her pet. They then look up at you (I assume you’re taller than a toddler) and wordlessly come to the conclusion that you are essentially a demi-god whose very existence demands respect.
In Conclusion
Although a valuable lesson about the finality of death has just been unlearnt, you have just earned reverence for at least a month. With every loss there is also a gain.
Congratulations.
The Ipe Collection 