A recurring issue that faces free-thinking individuals is that their decisions will constantly invite backlash. No two people, no matter how alike they are, or whether or not they have declared each other ‘soul-mates’ will agree on every single matter. Especially if one of them has dreams that go beyond the norm.
Who among us can claim to have participated in a three-legged race at the age of 54? Of those few, how many can claim that their partner was a skater? And of the very few who can, how many can say that that skater in question, was called Jert? It is a unique opportunity. An opportunity that gets referred to regularly in memoirs. In fact, I would go so far as to say that any memoir that does not include a similar story is a waste of paper and the writer should be ashamed of the damage that they have inflicted upon the tree-community. So what do you do when you are given this chance? What are you willing to give up? The correct answer is anything. Or anyone.
In most similar tales, the entity mediating this transaction will likely have elfish features, talk in riddles, gesture wildly with their whole arms, cackle, or be an actual elf or goblin. In my personal scenario, it was an elderly traveler seeking an assistant to crawl through a narrow cave in order to obtain an ancient artifact that was stolen from their family following a war that I hadn’t known had taken place decades ago. My fifth-born child named Ong was to be the assistant.
I raised Ong for a good 17 years. I know for a fact that he can help retrieve a stolen artifact. That’s what this last two decades have all been about. Maybe not specifically, but most skills are transferable aren’t they? He can use the math he learnt in school to calculate and gauge how low he must keep his head in order to avoid concussions, geography classes can inform him of the terrain he happens to crawl through, and I’m sure athletics helps in some way or the other. Not sure of that last one.
I have no concern regarding Ong’s safety. He will make all of us proud. My wife on the other hand, does not have quite the safe faith in the kid that I do. She constantly refers to him as her gullible guppy. She claims that I passed on the trait to him. Bold accusation. But I am certain that it will not hinder him in his quest to assist the weary traveler.
It would be hard to see him go for an undisclosed period of time. I needed some assurance that this would not just be for the sake of being a noble Samaritan. My family needed something. And that is when he beckoned a 42 year old skater who, somehow, miraculously still had acne, and informed us of a three-legged race that was to take place 18 kilometers South of where we were.
At first I refused. Vehemently. For one thing, I had no compass with me at the time, how were we expected to find out which way was South? For another, I quite like Ong. He told me this great joke about Navy Seals balancing beach-balls on their noses. It was fantastic. But when the skater called himself Jert, I knew this was a once in a lifetime story. One that I was sure I would write about in some shape or form. I could not claim with absolute certainty that no one else on this planet has ever traded their fifth born child for a chance to compete in a three-legged race with a skater. But, with a skater named Jert? Not one soul on this planet could say the same.
And there was more to the tale of Jert. Initially, he was known as Jet, but following a double knee fracture, he lost his speed and thus, his right to such a rad – do youths still say rad? – and meaningful name was revoked. And born was Jert.
So, I said a quick three minute goodbye to Ong, in which I imparted every drop of wisdom I had gathered over my years and rushed away.
Jert and I did not get on that well and we fell almost immediately after the race begun, so never mind that. My main concern at this point is to inform my wife of my decision. Here are the steps I had taken. You may choose to do the same. Considering I am the first when it comes to this sort of situation, I am the only guide available.
Step 1: Casually mention the concept of destiny & the greater good.
Destiny is a concept with which some people disagree. And understandably so, the idea of a path that has been set out for you to follow regardless of your own decisions may make your life appear to be devoid of any meaningful free-will. Which may seem scary. Is a choice your own if it only works to serve a predetermined path?
In order to convince someone of the validity of such a concept, most people make the mistake of trying to sugarcoat it. They think that if someone isn’t scared of destiny, maybe they’ll consider it. The other mistake people make is trying to scare it into someone’s life. It is a scary concept, but fear makes you rail against it even more.
What you’ll want to do is make an appeal to the basest personality trait common in all people. Laziness. Destiny is real. And what makes it sound great is that you do not have to do a thing, because your life has already been set for you.
So what you’ll want to do is just bring this up. Sell the idea. Then mention the greater good. The nobility of serving a higher cause. It’s something that outwardly, everyone supports.
Step 2: Talk about the importance of unique memories.
There are two angles you can play this from.
The first, and my favourite, is that of the doppelganger. My face is not one that is unique. I’ve come across a plethora of both men and women with similar features. With a few modifications to their hair, height and general physique, they could honestly pass off as me.
If I lived a life that was like any other, it would be much easier for them to convince my family I was them. But if my doppelganger cannot answer my wife when she asks them the name of the skater I competed in a three-legged race with was, she will know in an instant that whoever it is flailing for an answer is not the man she married.
The second angle you could approach this step from is the quality of life one. I guess your life will be improved by doing weirder things, I don’t know.
Step 3: Bring up your financial status
As someone with six children, the expenses are insane. Or they would have been had the bank nearby not exploded, launching a safe into our home. Ever since that day, which local papers dubbed, ‘The Day the Bank went Boom!’ we have never needed any more money.
Lodged in our roof is a massive, opened safe. Every time we are in need for something, we go to the safe. It’s a good life we lead.
Of course, for me to rationalize my decision to let Ong go, I need us to be poor, in order for my wife to agree that I made the right decision.
This is where you destroy the safe, blame it on the weather, and then bring up that your family are now poor.
Step 4: Claim that your third-born child is the best.
Start complimenting your remaining children. Maybe fixate on one. Let’s say it’s your third-born, and you think their love for K-Pop is somehow just infectious. Maybe go so far as to say that this kid is the kid to bank on. The two of you have already peaked at three.
Step 5: Inform her of the three-legged race with a skater. If she somehow is unimpressed, remind her of step 2.
On its own, telling her that you gave up the child to compete with a skater should elicit a response along the lines of, ‘Oh, wow. Tell me and your remaining children more, you interesting man.’ But you cannot always correctly predict a person’s reactions.
This is where you drop the wow-bomb. The skater’s name is Jert – “WHAT?” she exclaims. Your family are celebrating, they’re throwing confetti and rice when they run out of confetti, high fives are being high fived, it’s incredible, you guys have never been happier.
If this has, for whatever reason, not occurred, remind them of step 2. Unique memories make life worth living. At some point they will come to understand that you had to do whatever it took.
Step 6: Tell her the cost.
At some point they should wonder what that great memory cost. For me, there was a lull in the celebration, and that is where I knew the question would be asked. To answer them, I merely say the name alone. Ong. This is where your wife calls you insane.
Step 7: Remind her of destiny and say that Ong has gone to fulfill his.
Quickly harken back to step 1. Remind her of our role in the bigger picture. Then say that Ong has just begun his quest for meaning. If you perfectly performed step 1, this should be a lot easier.
But when I say easier I just mean comparatively. Your wife will briefly hate you for the next few weeks. Maybe a divorce is threatened. Fair enough.
Step 8: Soften things up by slowly bringing her into that brief three minute period of perfection.
Using the roof-safe money, I developed photos of Jert and I on the big day. I try to recreate the great moment for my wife. Maybe if I had invited her to the race our relationship would be better right now? Maybe she just feels left out. Or she misses Ong, I don’t know.
Should I have given him up? Maybe the reason I did that was just a fear of missing out. I was afraid to take up the banjo in the 8th grade because I was afraid of being bullied. Bigger kids don’t understand the art of the banjo. They call it twangy nonsense. Smaller kids called it that too. It was really me versus people who were not the same size as me, really.
My close friend did take it up. She is now a star banjo player. She played a show at the local library just last week. No one invited her, but when you’ve got the banjo, you’ve got the power. I could have had that power.
I just knew that ever since then, no matter the opportunity was, I was going to take it. Maybe instead of shaping an argument to treat my wife like she is the one that needs to make effort to understand my decision and possibly come to terms with never seeing our boy again, I should make myself and my own inner-machinations known to her. Maybe, that’s the real approach to coming to terms with who the two of us are. Looking inwards.
There is a lot to unpack here. It’s a lonesome world. We have each other. We have quite the clan. If I’m not going to be honest with her, then who do I have? Starting tomorrow, I am going to open up.
Step 9: Ong Returns!!!!!
Never mind that, your son and the elderly traveler have come back! We’re all elated to be reunited with them and they tell us of their harrowing tales of heroism that involve scrapes with a foreign military, vicious and exotic animals, coming to terms with the briefness of life, and dysentery.
Ong understands your decision and is glad you did what you had to do. His general amiability spreads to your wife.
Step 10: Prepare waffles.
This calls for a wonderful celebration. After withdrawing from the roof-safe, head on down to the grocery. You’re making waffles.
This is truly a splendid day, and you’re glad that this moment was unlike the time you left your second-born child in a farm and she stumbled into the slaughterhouse, witnessed dozens of her cow-friends meeting a gruesome end, which was an experience she never recovered from, to the point where you had to send her to therapy which had you had to pay for using roof-safe money, yet sadly, to this day she still paints dead cows, but at the very least, she sells those paintings.
Also, the three-legged race I lost with Jert was awesome. Life is good, thanks.
The Ipe Collection 