Government promotes essential workers to ‘Superhero Status’. (“Superman works for free, right?” ponders a moustache-twirling official to his aide.)

In our time of need, healthcare workers, delivery people, chefs, and janitors have stepped up to the challenge and provided a gallant response to the ongoing pandemic. So much so that they have replaced our common notion of what a superhero is. We must afford them the same respect we do for the likes of Superman and Batman, and far more than we do for Robin – the baby-faced bastard.

In an official announcement, a state minister stated a need to enhance the status of essential workers to better reflect their contributions to society. He began comparing the heroism and sacrifice done by regular human beings to a weird-alien God from Kentucky which did indeed perplex a few before clarifying that the Kentuckian God had an unfair advantage of being impervious to all ailments. His last statement to his listeners was that these workers would be promoted to ‘Superhero Status’.

This was greeted with cheers as many on the front line believed that they would be better serviced, possibly providing more tools to deal with their current jobs, better pay and more support in general. Sadly, this was short-lived as the minister – believing he was no longer on a mike – asked his aide for assurance that Superman and the other caped heroes he had compared the un-caped workers with definitely worked free of charge. To top it all off he twirled his moustache as he did so.

Some have defended the moustache twirling as something that a man who has recently grown a moustache due to a quarantine would naturally do. But others know for a fact that a moustache twirl is only ever done sinisterly.

Much of the furor surrounding the conference has been occupied by whether or not the man twirled his moustache and whether the degree to which he may or may not have done it matters in any way possible.

He was later caught on tape saying, ‘if we keep calling essential workers ‘superheroes’, eventually it’ll create a notion that superheroes should not expect anything in return’. He then proceeded to do an evil laugh that his camp have staunchly defended, stating that it was either a cleared throat or a mild chuckle. There was no malicious sound as he said the malicious thing.