Invoices have been received, fees paid, and with a loud sigh, we can confirm that we are complete idiots.
You guys remember this pandemic going on? Because we clearly forgot. Yes, our staff has been halved because of it, but there was this boat stuck in a canal which was a tad bit distracting. Following the passing of Prince Philip, a funeral was predicted. Unfortunately that is as far as our soothsaying ways went.
What usually occurs in the event of a major event is we immediately hire lip readers and provide them with binoculars so that they can give us a vague idea of what was spoken at said major event to which we were most definitely not invited. Usually they report back to us with six pages worth of transcripts which we have to then divide into two categories; useless nonsense and plausible dialogue.
Somehow we failed to acknowledge the little detail of the life-altering, once-in-a-century pandemic that’s devastated the globe.
Masks!
Darned masks.
Of course they’re good, useful and stop the spread but they make eavesdropping on sensitive moments oh so difficult!
We paid actual, legal currency to human beings – who in hindsight may have been 100% aware that they were signing up for an easy job – just to stand around and stare at their phones for a couple of hours. Then they reported the brief moments they were maskless back to us.
This is what was allegedly said.
“Beautiful service isn’t it?”
“Yes, it’s what he would have wanted.”
…….
We could have just guessed that!!
It’s a faux-pas which can not be excused. Going forward we pledge to report with the same tenacious spirit that drives public figures to the point of insanity. We promise that the next time there is another major gathering, the first tool we will provide our lip readers with will not be a pair of binoculars but a long stick with a hand-like shape at the end of it so that they can pull their targets’ masks down before continuing with their craft.
The Ipe Collection 