Rating snakes in terms of how much they look like a belt.

We’ve all had that same nightmare haven’t we? Running late for work, grab what you think is a belt only for it to turn out to be a snake. It doesn’t care that you’ve made an honest mistake. It attacks you like the vindictive, slithery thing that it is. We’ve all had that dream, right?

Anyway, I have decided to rate snakes based on how likely I am to mistake it for a belt.

King Cobra 1/10

Did not even try. Just a disgrace. I have never owned nor seen a belt that had a flared up hood. If there so happens to be a belt like that, mankind has well and truly gone too far.

Black swamp snake 10/10

Near perfection. I’m still looking at this picture thinking it could very well be a belt. Truly astonishing. This is what most snakes dream they could be. I want to loop that asshole around my waist right now.

Smooth green snake 6/10

The size and shape are all well. Better than most, in fact. But I can’t get past the colour. I am fully aware that green belts are a thing, but I do not agree with them existing. As such, this factors into its rating.

Rattlesnake 7/10

This may come as a surprise but I am a huge fan of the inbuilt belt buckle that the rattle of the rattlesnake provides. Job well done. Not a perfect score though, owing to everything else about it.

Komodo Dragon 0/10

Both friends and family have reminded me on occasion that this is not a snake. Far from it, they’d say. But I’ve seen it stick its tongue out very snake-like. I’m counting it. The legs alone disqualify it from being a belt though. Maybe a snake, not a belt. It’s awful.

Python 2/10

Just no. That thickness would never fit through trouser loops. I’ll give it points for general shape but other than that, just a complete let down from one of the most well known snake types. We were all rooting for you, python. You let us down.

This one that went underground before I could see it properly 0/10

Vanished into the ground before I even got a chance to compare it with my actual belt. I understand the pressure it’s under but I do not care. Zero out of ten.