Is there a moment more relatable than when your colleague sprouts an alien out of their chest? Sitting at a dining table, taking in an anecdote about this or that, when suddenly they begin violently convulsing. You think to yourself, ‘oh that’s just Phil being Phil’. Then you hear a crack. Blood and viscera are sprayed all across the table. Dinner is ruined. Classic Phil. Then you see it. An alien sitting in his hollowed-out chest. Before you can gather yourself, it escapes.
Everyone is down in the dumps. They have not eaten and also their friend was murdered by an unidentified creature. How can any of you function once you have seen such bloody horrors? Well, here are a few suggestions for lifting spirits.
1. Suggest that maybe, just maybe, the human body, just does that sometimes.
You are no doctor. Nor are any of your colleagues. None of you have a full understanding of the human body. So, how do you know that aliens are not supposed to burst out of someone’s chest, sometimes?
Maybe this is normal. Maybe everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about. Maybe the human body just does that sometimes, who knows?
Keep repeating that to your co-workers as well as yourself and you should all be back to normal in no time.
2. Sing a pleasant tune. May I suggest Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’?
You remember that song that goes ‘so, you had a bad day’? Witnessing a gruesome murder committed by an unidentified creature is the very definition of a bad day. In fact, as far as bad days go, this could qualify as the most bad. Maybe. Unless the human body just does that, who knows?
People love music. And they absolutely love when amateur vocalists perform forgotten pop songs from the mid-2000s.
Just be sure not to start immediately after your friend gets killed. It could come off as insulting. Wait a good half hour.
3. Assume tea-making duties.
It is a horrible moment. Tensions are flaring. People are shouting, fingers are being pointed, you swear you heard an unacceptable slur. What is needed now is tea. It won’t actually do anything, but you can remove yourself from the situation and trick your remaining colleagues into believing you are contributing something of value
4. Plan a fancy soiree.
There’s nothing like a night of elegance to take your mind off losing your friend to an alien lifeform.
Take in the sight of ball gowns, the smell of champagne, the distinct absence of a hollowed-out corpse. It’s a magical evening. Get a band to perform if you can. Spare no expense. Unless of course, the human body just naturally sprouts aliens sometimes, in which case this may be a waste of money.
5. Become a nihilist.
There is panic in the air. What was that thing? It killed one of us. What if it grows into a murder machine and fates far worse await us? It almost instils in you a belief that nothing good will ever happen from this point onwards.
But instead of whining. Embrace it? Nothing matters. Become a nihilist. This will cause the rest of your co-workers to chill the hell out. None of this matters in the grand scheme of things.
6. Talk about the time your granddad made you shoot a deer and how that changed you.
Note that this is only to be done if you happen to be over the age of 40. In order to present yourself as a wizened, calming influence, try recounting a story from your youth that is dark, twisted, and elicits sympathy for the trauma that you carried with you.
Then attempt to attach a deeper moral to the nonsense you recounted. For a brief moment, they will listen to you and think, ‘this old guy has been through shit and what we are going through appears to be nothing to him,’ even if on the inside you are absolutely bricking yourself.
7. Dye your hair purple.
The easiest way to signify a change in your behaviour is to alter your appearance.
In a world where time travel exists, your future self needs to visit past iterations while looking like they’ve been through hell and survived. Normally, one would recommend a long scar across one’s face that goes over their eye. It could be hard to get one of those scars, so dye your hair an unordinary colour.
The tension will not be fully diffused but it will let others know that things are serious, and they all need to be completely dialed up to 11.
8. Remind people of the time you scored a 200 at bowling.
In times of duress, a leader must emerge. Someone whose steady hand can guide a rattled ship back to safety.
Who better than someone who once bowled a score of 200? Is it the highest score possible? No, of course not. Is it enough to stake your claim as ‘Person in charge’? I don’t know but it’s worth a shot.
9, Take a mental health day. Well, not ‘day’. A mental health half-day. The company still needs you to capture that alien.
We must never forget our mental health. This is a stressful moment and the company you work for values your well-being. Take a day off. Kick off your shoes, rest easy, have a drink, everything will be all right
But also don’t forget that there is a murderous alien lurking about. Maybe a day would be too much, really. Take a mental health half-day, we need to get that alien.
But do remember not to kill the alien. The company needs it alive in order to study it further. If it is a choice between the alien and you, please note that the alien is valuable, and you are dispensable.
To reiterate; the company values your mental health but also if you happen to be ripped to shreds, that is sad, but the alien asset must be kept in mint condition. Put simply, if you were to make them choose between the alien and you, they’d kill you themselves.
Again, they love you to an extent.
10. Just be you. Unless you’re bad in a crisis.
Fate has landed you wherever you are because you are meant to be there. You. Just be you. Unless you lose your head in a crisis. Which we are most definitely in, unless the human body just does that sometimes.
The Ipe Collection 