5 ways to fight a cactus and win.

There is no foe more deadly than a cactus. Cacti?

I, like many, on numerous occasions have come toe to toe with a cactus – or should I say, ‘toe to thick waxy skin’? No, that’s awful. I shouldn’t say that. Often, I have been handed a resounding defeat. For so long, it seemed impossible to overcome this deadly plant assailant. How could I fight a beast whose very touch shoots hundreds of tiny spikes at me?

I have found five fool-proof ways of gaining the upper hand. Or should I say, ‘the upper large fleshy stem?’ No. I should not.

Offer shelter.

Offer safety from the harsh conditions, open your home to them, tell it that everything will be okay. With their guard down they will allow you to rehome them into a nice little corner of your one-bedroom, five-bathroom apartment. That is when you place the cartoon bomb with fuse beside their pot and make a run for it. You lose your home, but you win the fight. 100% worth it.

Strike from afar.

There is no human alive that can be sure of how far a cactus spike can travel. None. To keep safe, it is best to strike from a distance. Invest in sniper rifles and camp out on top of a sand dune and attack.

Master of disguise.

I have seen images of cacti in close proximity to each other. Being no expert, I cannot make an educated assumption, but it does appear as though they do not harm another of their kind. To beat the cactus, you must become the cactus. Halloween stores sell many disguises. Find one that helps you pass off as a cactus. Then knife it down.

Porcupine Sidekick.

There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, when up against nature’s natural apex plant, help is necessary. But what can take on something covered in weaponry? Ask yourself; what is the cactus’ only drawback? Mobility. Or lack thereof. What beast has all the strengths of a cactus without it’s one fatal flaw? The porcupine. Team up with this terrifying creature and let it take control.

Human Shield.

This may be a long shot but is there someone you hate more than a cactus? Sounds impossible considering just how awful cacti are, I know. But if there happens to be a not so special someone, I’d recommend using that person as a human shield as you run towards the cactus, katana in-hand and when you’re close enough, go for the quick slice.