Win every game of table tennis with these simple steps.

1. Physical Violence

The result of every game of table tennis comes down to what’s going on in players’ minds. Instill fear in your opponent’s mind by threatening to beat the shit out of them.

The threat of physical violence puts you in a commanding position. Attempt to scare off your opponents as soon as the game begins. This can be achieved with either a knife, a chainsaw, or an oddly shaped potato if used correctly.

Other items may be debated but these are tried and tested at the table. Weapons are your friends. The only hitch is that when playing table tennis, both yourself as well as your opponent will be armed by default with little paddles. Whatever you choose must be more intimidating than that.

Below is a quick run down of items that could hypothetically be more intimidating than a table tennis paddle.

Gun – Maybe. Never seen it in action but one would assume it could possibly take down a tennis table paddle. To be honest a gun is essentially the same as a paddle. You swing it at them and hope for the best. Useless without any bullets.

Gun with bullets – Definite success. Unlike a regular gun, you can actually shoot at your enemy. I can say with a high degree of certainty that the bullet will pierce any paddle even when it is placed in a defensive position.

Kitchen Sink – will not work. Despite being more lethal than a paddle, the use of the sink as a weapon poses logistical difficulties like lifting it properly, coming up with a cool thing to say before you strike, and actually tossing the sink.

Another useful tip is raising your arms to make yourself look bigger but be careful not to accidentally make a surrendering gesture. That would immediately nullify any intimidation attempts, no matter how frightening your weapon may be.

2. Celebrate Responsibly

You did it! You are officially a table tennis god. You now have fans screaming your name and begging to steal your DNA to create identical clones. Life has never been better.

Always remember where you came from. Wherever that may be. Write it down before you forget.   There are no more steps. You have won. But many a man has succeeded in life only to have their victory tainted by an irresponsible celebration. Do not drink and drive. Do not gamble. Do not have too much fun, there’s usually an over the top consequence for that.