Financial advice article begins with wild assumption that I have at least 10 dollars.

Okay let’s calm down here. Slow your roll.

I googled “financial advice please help no money” in search for legitimate assistance. Not to be mocked by some hoity-toity, privileged website author who bandies about words like “assets” and “portfolio”.

“Skip your Starbucks coffee today,” they say. Okay, I’ve been doing that for years. Now what?

Here I am, reading a man just assume I have a whole ten dollars to my name. How? From where? Explain yourself! It’s an 800 word article and not one of those are dedicated to that initial acquisition.

According to them I need to start making something called investments. “Why save money when they are printing more money?” they say. I assume because they’re not printing that money specifically for me.

If they were, surely they’d email me letting me know? Just a quick “hey there’s some money coming your way, don’t worry it’s being printed as we speak”.

I hate this article and I hate the man who wrote it.

There is contact info at the bottom of the webpage. I could let them know my situation with a carefully worded email in the hopes of getting actual advice. Or I could just find their home address and write”YOU DON’T KNOW ME” on a brick and pelt it through their window. Either works.

When the revolution begins, I am coming for this writer first.

To add to the already disgusting amount of insult, I have also used up one of my allotted two free articles just to read this. An absolute disaster of a day. I have to use my one remaining free article wisely.

My options are “Why war crimes are actually not that bad”, “places where treasure may or may not exist”, or “Caesar salad recipes”.