What each star sign can expect from 2022!

Aquarius

You will feel a cold air blow into your life. Times may be difficult but just know that the sun will eventually rise again. Man, I am off to a flyer with this horoscope business. Easiest thing I’ve ever done. That ‘cold air’ line? Chilling. Love it. Onwards and upwards now. Though, maybe I’ll try to be a bit more specific going forward.

Pisces

You will be mauled to death by a Siberian tiger. Precautions like locking your door, looking over your shoulder, and not living near a Siberian tiger, will all be futile. Your days are numbered. Though there are approximately only 400 of these creatures left, when 2023 begins there will be no Pisces remaining. Get your affairs in order.

Aries

Your quest for global supremacy must be put on hold this year. It is time to focus on the small things in life. Take the time to recharge. Relax. Put your feet up. Forming an authoritarian regime hell-bent on destroying the very fabric of civilised society can wait.

Taurus

Jupiter is huge. Just the thickest planet you’d ever see. In 2022 it will be even bigger than before. Some may say ‘ginormous’ or ‘gargantuan’. And yet there are people who miss it because they never look at the sky. It’s right there. An opportunity will be right in front of you. Look at it!

Gemini

The moon is in Gatorade. Energy flows through you. Ride a goddamned horse. Surf the tallest wave. Send that risky text. Rob a bank. Impersonate a policeman. Do more crimes.

Cancer

The best way to survive when inside of a falling lift is to lie down on your back. You may have heard suggestions that jumping right at the moment of impact will keep you alive. But how could you possibly know when the lift is going to hit the ground when you’re inside it? Anyway, note all of this down. It’s important.

Leo

You owe Libra £20. You may not remember it, but it is true.

Virgo

You’re so fucked. I don’t want to elaborate. It will only worry you.

Libra

I just got you £20. You’re welcome.

Scorpio

Your love life is a thing that exists. Maybe. I don’t know. Who knew writing horoscopes was this difficult? Think I’m going to get the rest off a website. Hopefully, I won’t have to pay a subscription fee.

Sagittarius

You think you’re better than me because you have “an actual job” and I’m here copying horoscopes from a website? I may have paid real money to get these horoscopes but you’re not better than me. Don’t forget that. Unfortunately, the website says you are in for a windfall this year. Congratulations.

Capricorn

Grave times lie ahead. No matter what happens, you must avoid YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION AT getyourhoroscope.com. PLEASE RENEW TO CONTINUE READING.