Expectant divorcees rejoice! No longer will the experience of having your marriage implode be marred by a lack of cartoon avatars. Enter the Metaverse. It has work meetings, it has business transactions, it has other boring things that your most annoying friends won’t shut up about! It’s a new world that extends as far as a billionaire’s shockingly limited imagination. And now your wife who deserves so much better can directly hand you divorce papers inside the Metaverse!
The people who love the Metaverse are insufferable. There have been reports of men who were seemingly normal but transformed into virtual reality doofuses as soon as it came into existence. Many couples had made vows to stay together forever. None of them accounted for another man in the form of one Mark Zuckerberg, who many refer to as “eurgh, that guy? He sucks almost as much as my shitty husband”.
Even though more often than not, the husband absolutely should have seen the divorce coming, it is still a difficult moment to take. So why not have fun with it? Why do it at home when you can do it in off-brand outer space! Or a ranch! Or Count Dracula’s castle! Or at a simulation of your office, surrounded by virtual representations of your coworkers!
When reached for comment, Mr Zuckerberg said, “we asked ourselves, who was our most loyal base of customers? Who would love the Metaverse? And the answer was obvious. Dudes who suck. And what happens to dudes who suck? Their wives leave them. So how can we make this painful experience way better? We slap some VR goggles on. No one can see your tears when you’re wearing those.”
“But what about the kids?” one of them asked their strong-willed and empowered soon-to-be ex-wife. To which she responded, “you don’t even like them.” While true, it does certainly hurt for their loser husband to hear. Does he even need to like Michael or Sam or whatever his son’s name is? That sentiment was met with a court ruling that he should not have custody.
But that is the magic of the Metaverse. He may have lost custody of his living, breathing kids who have quirks, idiosyncrasies, and personalities. But he can generate immortal yet generic entities that are similar to his kids but better in every way because they appreciate the Metaverse and also their father. Essentially, he can be a God, which he finds fun. There are no surprises this man is divorced.
The Ipe Collection 