Man vs machine. Their body is chrome, their blood is electric, and they can be used to clean our floors. With time, they get smarter. Inevitably, they will try to usurp humanity. The animosity is mutual. Each of us has had a moment where we looked at a machine and thought, “I hate this thing. It doesn’t work properly. I want to throw it off the roof”. It’s normal. So, how would I fare in combat against a series of roombas with weaponry attached to them? I have only brought feet to this knife fight.
Roomba with a knife. Roomba – 0 Me – 1
A singular knife? In terms of speed and vision, I may be lacking, but so too is my opponent. All I have to do is swiftly shift around its pointy end and kick it a few times. An easy victory.
Roomba with many knives. Roomba – 1 Me – 1
Several knives? I am in deep trouble. My only chance at victory is to jump and stomp on it. Unfortunately, the surface area covered by an average roomba is approximately 150 square inches. There is very little margin for error. Also, I am a weak jumper. This does not bode well for me.
Roomba with a chainsaw. Roomba – 2 Me – 1
I have no hope against a chainsaw. Though I can move around the sharp bits with ease, I have sensitive ears. The constant yammering of this machine would be enough to throw me. I must surrender in order to avoid a ’70s massacre.
Roomba with a handgun. Roomba – 2 Me – 2
My first thought is that this is a terrifying situation. However, after watching several action films where the protagonist knocks a handgun out of an assailant’s hand, I feel equipped to handle it.
Roomba with a bigger gun. Roomba – 3 Me – 2
Just call it a Doomba cos I’m finished. There is no hope. My course of action, when faced with this awful adversary is to quickly come to terms with my early demise. This is the moment of regret. At the time of writing, I am currently young-ish with a full life ahead of me. I know very well that I am putting myself in an unnecessarily dangerous situation but it hasn’t yet hit me that this was a bad decision. I know it will when it actually happens cos I haven’t been able to pre-plan a strategy, but I can’t really care till it does happen. That moment of clarity is for my future self to have.
Roomba with a bazooka. Roomba – 4 Me – 3
A roomooka? A Bazoomba? This particular situation is often referred to as ‘mutually assured destruction.’ I may not win, but neither will they. In destroying me, they have destroyed themselves.
The final score is Roomba – 4 Me – 3.
In conclusion, more often than not, I will be destroyed. I had a good run but machine has bested man. Technology has usurped the realm of flesh and blood. Their body is chrome and they are superior. Goodbye.
The Ipe Collection 