Meet the hacker whose only technique is being your friend.

He may not know how to properly use a computer but he does know your mother’s maiden name.

He’s always been there for you. Remember when your dog died and he sent you a condolence message? Remember how he then asked you about your history of loss? You recounted the times your other pets had died, all the way back to that first one. A hamster. He was caring and earnestly inquisitive. ‘What was your first pet’s name?’ It was nice to have someone who wanted to know you.

But to be truly known is to be truly vulnerable. Not just to emotional attacks but to cyber ones. That’s right, the man you trusted with your shallowest, lightest secrets has used your information against you.

When he asked which city you were born in, he didn’t want travel tips. He wanted to get into your email. When he asked what your mother’s maiden name was, he did not want to know more about the people who shaped your life. He wanted to drain out your bank account. When he wanted to know the name of your primary school, he did not want to delve into your childhood trauma. He wanted to tweet something offensive from your account.

But why befriend people when most people in his field choose to work purely behind the screen? We got in touch with the culprit to find out more.

“I don’t know how to hack things,” he said. A shocking statement from a prolific cyber attacker. With up to six victims, you’d think the man was well-versed in hacking. Despite being wanted by authorities he introduced himself as Tobias Mendelson, which after a quick verification we found was his actual legal name. That’s right. He gave us his first and last name and invited us to his home for a sit-down interview. It made us feel secure and safe with him. Enough to tell him a little about ourselves too. But we managed to steer the conversation back to him.

“Listen, I know some may think I’m some sort of monster for getting to know these people and then betraying their trust, but you really need to know that I just can’t do it another way.”

When pressed on the issue he went on to explain how he had failed every computers class he had taken in school. He then went on to try to make us feel sorry for him.

“I am just so useless with technology,” he said surprisingly tearfully. While sniffing he said, “Nobody knows how hard it is to get ahead in a life of crime when you’re technologically challenged. I am so behind all my peers!”

But surely there are other crimes to which he would be more suited. Why select breaking into others’ online spaces?

“It’s a gift I have. Some can sing, some can dance. I can get people to answer fairly generic security questions in real life. It’s the only talent I have.”

Finally, we told him that authorities had been notified of his current position. He remained calm and just asked us whether they were sending over an Officer Grady. Apparently they went bowling the other night and talked about the first school they ever attended.