3 TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE

1.DENIAL

Picture this. It’s Friday evening. You’re lying on your therapist’s couch and recounting all that’s wrong with your life. Your dog is behaving very stand-offish, you learnt that it’s not practical or kind to replace it with a lemur, your wife claims your newly grown moustache is a disaster, and sadly, yet again, you can’t have a lemur. Classic situations.

It’s a depressing hour you’ve spent but that’s precisely what these sessions are for, so you don’t mind being the little grey cloud floating over a parade. But then it happens. Your therapist deftly flicks his wristwatch upwards, his eyes shoot down and now he knows how long you’ve been talking. The pretentious man in tweed who’s been nodding his head at intervals has broken his sacred oath of making sure you didn’t notice his scathing judgement. The man is quite clearly sick of you and wants to know how much of this torturous hour remains. You see his point; you’ve been an absolute downer. Well, what if I told you, there was a way to make the words coming out of your mouth seem more pleasant? CHOOSE TO SAY OTHER WORDS!

Everything is fine as long as you say so loudly, repeatedly and defiantly! Faced with the crushing doom of reality, all you need to do is; look upon your negative memory, come up with a positive replacement, clear your throat, and shout out your preferred ‘memory’. DENY EVERYTHING ELSE!

Maybe you’ve just been fired for shouting curse words in the workplace. To avoid the embarrassment of letting friends and family know that you’ve been let go, tell each and every single person you see that you haven’t been fired. Even if no one has asked. It reinforces the notion that ‘yes, this person certainly has a job and has most definitely not sworn at his superiors’. What happens when you get to your office? You work. Remain positive. When you confidently and constantly say to your boss that you were never fired, eventually, they’ll come around to see things from your manufactured point of view.

Another example is that of the dinosaurs. Credible research concludes that there is zero evidence of any dinosaur – not even one! – looking at the meteorites hurtling towards the Earth and simply denying their existence. They are all dead now. Could they have been saved by a little persistence? Who’s to say? But also, yes. WE HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE!

A frequently asked question at this point is, ‘Can you carry on even when you know you’re living a lie?’ Absolutely you can! And if not, just deny that you can’t! If your mindset is geared towards positive thoughts and semi-wishful thinking then YOU SIMPLY CANNOT FAIL!

2. Surround yourself with people who happen to be bigger losers than you

As of 2019 there are 7.7 billion people on Earth. That’s a lot of people with whom you can compare yourself. Of these; there are doctors healing people, scientists discovering whether rats are sexually attracted to bull urine, and murderers making life seem more precious. It’s a world filled with extraordinarily meaningful people. It’s common for one to see someone in their social circle succeed, feel delighted for them at first but then start to ask questions of themselves. Why am I not at their level? Am I living up to my potential? Do I have potential? Was that just a lie that my teachers told to encourage me? Why’s my other friend writing a check for $2million? Is it for me? Why isn’t it for me? Couldn’t they have done this at home?

If your feelings of inadequacy are making friendships difficult, listen up cos here’s the best solution you’ll ever read. Replace your successful friends with deadbeat losers! Similar to the natural, smug satisfaction you feel when finishing ‘not last’ at a marathon, comparing yourself exclusively with losers boosts your self-worth by 321% according to a study that I pulled out of my ass vaguely recall.

As stated there are 7.7 billion people on Earth. Let’s assume 90% are more talented, likeable, and successful than you. That still leaves 770,000,000 perfectly underqualified candidates for your entourage. But in the off-chance that you happen to be ranked dead last in this game of life, you might think that you’re the worst at living. Whether or not this is true, there is a solution. Have a child.

If anything, this child will have at least half of your negative attributes but will be younger and hence by default worse than you! The only thing worse than you right now is you thirty years ago. And if you’re a bad enough parent they’ll stay firmly behind you on the world leaderboard. However, be careful not to be too poor of a parent. The old adage goes that great art comes from great pain. Maybe making an indirect impact on the art scene will elevate your position in the world but you can’t be too sure so don’t take the risk.

In any case. Your environment shapes you. And if your environment is filled with ne’er-do-wells then you can present yourself as the unlikely, vibrant rose in a desert.

3. Start using Hair Conditioner

It feels good. If you already do this then you’ve peaked in life and this is the best you will ever feel. Congratulations/Sorry.