Dear Mr. Grayson,
Allow me to first make clear my true appreciation for your work. The Chronicle has been a staple in every home in my neighborhood for as long as I can remember. The opinion segment in particular is something I’ve always found illuminating, even when it doesn’t jive with my personal views. A piece regarding the ‘role of centrists in historical conflicts’ springs to mind, wherein your entire publication was wrong about the whole issue – grotesquely wrong in fact, but it was worded very respectfully, and I thought that was wonderful. Had the same sentiment come from a different source, I can say with certainty that the pitchforks would be out and the torches lit.
The reason I write to you today is to address the latest craze around the masked protector roaming the streets at night, keeping the downtrodden alive and safe. I write to you on his or her behalf. That’s right, hold your jaws off of the floor, this letter comes from the desk of the man or woman that you’ve dubbed ‘Kid Blue’. I realize of course that I will need to prove myself. Later tonight police will discover the notorious bank-robbing couple whose activities have deeply enthralled The Chronicle and all their loyal readers, tied to two separate lampposts on Pilkins Street. Their binds are rope purchased from the Bindings, Bouquets and Things store from that same street. Both receipt and price tags are still attached to said ropes.
Your recent thoughts on my actions have been quite pleasing. Having been exposed to classic comic heroes from a young age, the reactions I expected were far more negative. I assumed civilian saliva and the word ‘menace’ would be hurled in my direction. This overwhelmingly positive attitude makes me having a qualm feel like a smack of ingratitude. But a qualm I do have. In the form of a query and a request. First the query; how attached are you to the name ‘Kid Blue’? I’m aware that given my stature and the dominant colors in my costume that the name may just roll off the tongue. However, when I first set about trying to rid the streets of degenerate, subhuman criminals, I had a different name in mind. I’m sure you’ll understand that my actions that have been – without meaning to come across as narcissistic – noble, have warranted my being able to choose my own name. As such I would like your publication to kindly start referring to me as ‘The Navy Knight’. You don’t even have to issue a statement saying that I’ve changed names or anything. Navy Knight sounds like a moniker that people would instantly relate to myself.
Thank you so much, both for your wonderful coverage as well as for your time.
Yours ever so sincerely,
The Navy Knight.
X
Dear Mr. Grayson,
Greetings and salutations once again. It is I; THE NAVY KNIGHT, writing to you once more. Today’s issue of The Chronicle was another intriguing read. Though I do believe that suggesting to round up and execute anyone who underappreciates honey may have been a tad over-aggressive. I did however notice that your praise of my work did still refer to me as Kid Blue. I’d like to kindly remind you that I do not go by this name. In future pieces, please call me The Navy Knight.
In case the importance of my request has not been realized, I shall now present to you two solid points to consider. Firstly, the fear factor. For just a minute, put yourself in the shoes of a criminal. Maybe you’re six foot four and are dressed in black tactical gear which may or may not include a Steve Jobs-ian turtle neck. Maybe you’ve got a conspicuous scar on your cheek and are missing all your finger prints after a game of ‘How long can you hold the hot plate?’ went tragically wrong. Sure when the scar was given to you and when you lost your prints you may have looked at fate like it were a cruel mistress, but all of this added to your aura. Now, whether you’re dealing with the mob or are buying groceries, everyone from the mob boss to the elderly cashier at SuperSavers know not to cross you. You might have read that description of a criminal and thought to yourself that it seemed oddly familiar, and yes, I admit I’m not a talented improviser. He is indeed someone I have recently put behind bars. Took a heavy beating doing it too. I don’t claim to be the strongest person around but I firmly believe that an intimidating name would have gone a long way. When Kid Blue comes charging at you, you chuckle and approach battle with a belittling confidence. Was I laughed at? Possibly. Irrelevant. When the Navy Knight sneaks around in the corner of your view, the fear can be paralyzing.
On to my second point. My objective is to expand my reach. Once I’ve proved my worth in my current county, I plan to move around. At some point I expect a signal to be put in place to alert me to danger, maybe they’ll make an app, I don’t know yet. The problem is that I do not naturally respond to Kid Blue. When I hear that name, it sounds like a stranger to me.
For the better of our shared society, I implore you to drop Kid Blue. Thank you again.
Yours sincerely,
The Navy Knight.
X
Dear Mr. Grayson,
Navy Knight here again. I noticed that mentions of the name Kid Blue have shot up from three per story in the two weeks prior to my previous letter, to TWELVE in the two weeks since. I’d love for this to be a coincidence but it does seem more likely to be a passive-aggressive swipe at my request. Given the number of drug dealers, thieves and rowdy delinquents that I’ve handed over to authorities, I feel that I have more than earned the right to a non-childish name. Kindly change the name.
Sincerely,
The Navy Knight.
PS: Your piece on humanity’s over-reliance on travel mattresses was a little puzzling. Personally I have never used one.
X
Dear Mr. Grayson,
Underlining Kid Blue?! Are you serious? Don’t you feel that the rest of your readers would be completely lost? They’re not privy to our little one-sided squabble wherein I present a relatively small request and you shoot me down with a juvenile and petulant editing display. I don’t know whether or not you pushed for Kid Blue as a last ditch effort to keep your job, but if it’s true then you should know that the name is garbage and you staked your career on a losing horse.
I’m fed up. If you don’t make the change in the next week; no longer will a flash of blue keep crime at bay. If my reasonable demand is not met, then when danger arrives, I shall stay home. The choice is yours.
Also, your piece on feline uprising was trash.
The Navy Knight.
X
Dear Mr. Grayson,
Last night on the Gorboyson Bridge, a mugger knifed one gentleman, had a heart attack, was run over by a bicyclist who lost control and then fell off the bridge. Three lives were lost. Yes I am including the mugger himself. That’s all on you.
Kid Blue still remains in large font on your front page. It appears that you and I are caught in a classic standoff. If it’s a question of who’s stronger, let me remind you that before our tiff, I used to go toe-to-toe with hardened criminals, whereas you were and are still currently responsible for an annoying alter-ego.
Change the name. The lives of your readers depend on it.
To be clear; that’s not a direct threat to civilians. What I mean is that you’ve forced my hand into remaining still, even in moments of danger. Didn’t even bother reading today’s piece.
The Navy Knight.
X
Dear Mr. Grayson,
It appears that my ultimatum may have been somewhat misjudged. I’m taking the highroad and leaving behind our admittedly petty disagreement. I will be making my return to the streets this coming Tuesday. Except from now on, I will be operating in various costumes. I’d like to see what color-based name you get from that.
I hope this will be our last correspondence.
Thank you. Bye.
The Navy Knight.
X
Dear Mr. Grayson,
Happened to read today’s Chronicle. Piss off.
The Navy Knight.
X
The Ipe Collection 