Some weeks ago, popstar and former delinquent Justin Bieber challenged the personification of charisma; Tom Cruise to a fight. A truly bizarre challenge that came out of nowhere. But it’s not just the suddenness that makes this challenge bizarre. It is a very bad idea to ask Tom Cruise for a fight.
Justin Bieber is in good shape. He’s fit and I’m certain he has the time and resources to train enough to take on an average man. Though I would wonder whether his trainer lets him win fights, I’d be scared to knock out my wealthy employer if I were him. Anyway, from what we can glean off his public persona, he could possibly beat an average man up at least.
However, this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about. He’s a mad man who jumps off cliffs just to make a movie. He’s clearly lost that spark that makes his life worth living a long time ago and is now seeking insane thrills to bring himself back. Cruise may actually end up murdering Bieber, either with his physical body or with his astral projection or whatever nonsense Scientology allows him to do.
But this poorly thought out challenge does prompt a certain question. Who would be the best and the worst famous people to fight?
The Best.
Bruce Willis;
Die Hard will forever be an iconic action film. By extension, John McClane will forever be an iconic action hero. Therefore, no matter how many lazy, ‘young people suck’ movies in which he chooses to star or how many reluctant, moody interviews he gives, Bruce Willis will remain an iconic action star. I have not checked how old he is but off the top of my head, if pressed for a guess, I’d say he must be 68.
I know full well that this may not be true for everyone, but I would assume that it is easier to smash the living daylights out of someone over the age of 60 than it is do so to someone younger. I’d say there is a very good chance you could make John McClane – in this day and age – your absolute bitch-boy, loser, fool.
Fast forward many years. Let’s say this victory somehow made you desirable and you ended up siring children and those children grew up to sire more children. Those children decide to visit you and aren’t all that impressed with the octogenarian doddering around their flat all alone. Show them Die Hard. Then say you beat the crap out of the star. Now you’re a badass octogenarian doddering around your flat alone.
Finn Wolfhard – in two years’ time;
Let me preface this by unequivocally stating that you should not beat up children. So, first wait two to three years for Finn to turn 18.
For those who are unaware, one of the kids from popular Netflix show – Stranger Things, is played by a young actor named Finn Wolfhard. Finn. Wolfhard. The absolute coolest name ever. It’s almost as if he chose that name as a toddler. How the hell do you naturally get a name that cool?
Finn has a bright future ahead of him. But in the off-chance that he decides to ditch acting and go into something else, choosing to fight Finn would be great if his popularity ever dimmed down. Then you could say you fought a guy named FINN. WOLFHARD. Regardless of whether or not you won that fight, years from now, people would be impressed that you had a tiff with someone with a name like that.
Anthony Joshua;
Let’s say you’ve never thrown a punch in your life. Maybe you’re thirty years old now. You might think to yourself that if you were to throw your first one ever now, it could go very wrong, given your lack of experience and that old adage about not being able to teach dogs tricks. It could be incredibly embarrassing when you take your first swing and your fist isn’t clenched the right way, or you didn’t pull back enough or…you…I don’t really know what else goes into a punch, I’ve never punched someone in my life.
To you, failure is a foregone conclusion. Others may not know this. But suppose you’re up against Anthony Joshua. He’s an actual boxer. Not one person watching would expect you to come out on top there. The pressure is off. Hopefully he knocks you out quickly so you don’t have to take too much of a beating either.
There is absolutely no shame in losing to Anthony Joshua, and that is why he is in this half of the list.
The Worst
John Travolta;
Travolta is also a Scientologist. I have done no research into Scientology but based on random tweets, I assume it gives you telekinetic powers of some sort? Maybe he can slow time down? I know it’s a religion, but is it similar to being a Jedi? I know you can commit crimes without too much in the way of consequences, but my knowledge of the whole cult religion is limited to that one factoid.
Also, given his high ranking in that society, another assumption I’d make is that if you were to get the upper-hand, he may be able to summon a legion of slightly-lower powered beings. Or hitmen. Also he might dress up as his character from his film, Battlefield Earth, which is both hilarious and somewhat intimidating.
Also, I’m not one to shame someone’s appearance, but his face looks like he;s borrowed it from the wax model version of himself. That’s terrifying. Do you want to go toe to toe, or more alarmingly, face to face with that face?
Patrick Stewart;
The man is a wonderful icon. He’s been Picard and Professor X. Essentially, he’s an old-man mentor who wants the best for you. Would you even want to knock his teeth out? He’s old, they might actually fall out if you stare long enough.
If you still feel the need to beat a kind, gentleman to within an inch of his life, instead of following through on that desire, I’d recommend seeking help.
Do not hurt Patrick Stewart. It would only reflect poorly on yourself.
OJ Simpson;
The man may actually kill you. Allegedly.
The Ipe Collection 